A little Bugged


...at myself that is. Why am I not gracefully handling the chaos by now? I don' really have time to wallow, and I know it will be a while before I get the hang of things, but why already bogged down with the daily grind...which hasn't really been daily OR a grind, but busy and quite unique to bringing an infant immigrant into our home. This week has been full of doctor visits, soccer practices, ballet rehearsals, preschool, more doctor visits, unpacking (or at least attempts to unpack in between the soccer practicesand the doctor visits). In a few weeks the doctor visits will be behind me, the carpools will be in full collaborative sway, and I'll feel a bit more "with it" as far as who needs to be where when and what supplies or sundries need to be with them when they arrive. We've purchased 3 pair of shoes this week (1 ballerina, 3 soccer players, one growing preschooler = lots of shoes, but shoe shopping is not a weekly habit John, I promise!), we've been to the drug store twice for full price perscriptions (Lucy's blessed name hasn't hit the books in the giant health care system yet; boy you don't realize how thankful you are for insurance until you are seeing what you would pay if you didn't have it!). We've enjoyed the delicious cooking of neighbors and friends whove brought in dinners-unnecessary to be sure but appreciated just the same. I've tried to meet the kid's teachers and help Porter feel well acclamated to a new pre school. It has been a busy week. It should be o.k. that the house is trashed and the to do list never ending...it should be o.k.

And so I feel bugged at myself that I'm deflated over my unswept floor and cluttered work table. I feel so not "with it" and catch myself denying the feeling that staying curled up in the corner with my hands around my head would be a good coping mechanism. I should give myself a break,but my inner real self isn't nearly as forgiving as my "I am a well balanced person" self. That deep down inner self rears its ugly head every once in a while. "You can't live in the chaos, you'll go nuts in this mess" and "you'll never get used to this, you are in over your head" are its regular chorus lies..I mean lines. I try hard not to listen, and I even solicit outside voices to counter balance these demon sounds. But they still sing from the deep to me as I romp through the house in pj's hours after I should be dressed, greeting neighbors and friends in my fluffy white robe.

John is, of course, my favorite fan, and has been a huge mantra of support this week. "you are doing great so far Katie" and "thanks for being supportive" are all helpful counter choruses. "I love you mom" is one of the sweetest songs of encouragement toward sanity as a mom of 6. My mom, sisters and others whove been there are also fantastic cheerleaders, on the sidelines but willing to jump in the game if needed at a moment's notice. All these other voices do pretty well at drowning out that one bad sound, the one that say's "I can't".

I know I'll be fine. I'll come to a point where the reality of this blessing of my life will be shown for a moment, just a glimpse of the true heaven I'm beholding every time my family sits around the dinner table together (even if the floor under that table is less than tidy). The glimpse of that bliss came as I hugged my kids in the airport, my husband kissing my forhead with a soft and tender touch. I'll see it again, and it will overpower those negative songs for weeks to come, and I won't feel so bugged at myself, and so it will go as I learn my way through this time of little ones and lots to do.